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04/24/2010 12:00 AM
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| Eliot Chang: Facebook Me
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I hate when I meet a girl, I'm trying to get to know her, and she's like, 'Oh, you can just Facebook me.' Bitch, my face is here right now!
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04/17/2010 12:00 AM
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| Bret Ernst: Blame America
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Everybody likes to blame America for everything. What are we, only 233 years old? These other countries are thousands of years old. Not only did they not get it right, but a lot of times they screw up and ask us for help. That's like a 90-year-old man asking a two-year-old for advice.
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04/03/2010 12:00 AM
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| Rory Albanese: Least Respected Place
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I'm from Long Island, which is the least respected place in the world. I travel all over the country. I could be in the middle of Omaha doing something and the guy comes up to me and says, 'Hey, where'd you grow up?' I'm like, 'Long Island.' And he's like, 'Loser.' Really? I grew up 22 miles from Manhattan; you lost your virginity to corn. I feel like I win that round. I'm like, 'I've seen the ocean. Game over.'
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04/03/2010 12:00 AM
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| Rory Albanese: London McDonald's
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She says, 'The way you're acting is the reason Europeans hate Americans.' And this is what I said -- true story -- 'Do you know where you are right now? Because you're in McDonald's. This is American soil. You might as well be at the f**king embassy. You might as well be at the embassy, sweetheart, 'cause nobody tells me how to act in McDonald's.'
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04/02/2010 12:00 AM
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| Mo Mandel: Bought But Never Used
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Our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. And he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. I've never bought drugs and not used them. Right? They're not condoms.
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03/27/2010 12:00 AM
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| Rachel Feinstein: Sassy Mom
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She's got one of those crazy, kind of overly spiked mom-dos. Like her hair keeps getting more and more aggressive every time I see her. She looks insane. She looks a lot like Vanilla Ice at this point. Her hair looks like it was cut by a computer.
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03/25/2010 12:00 AM
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| Rory Albanese: Program for Kids
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I bought a bunch of land in upstate New York, and I built a bunch of cabins and bunks and things on it. Figured, I'm going to start a summer program for kids with ADD. I don't know, no one showed up. I don't know what I did wrong. I was calling it: Concentration Camp.
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02/05/2010 12:00 AM
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| John Oliver: Pope Benedict XVI the Aries
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This pope was born on the 16th of April, making him an Aries, compatible with both Sagittarius and Leo. But, of course, Jesus was famously a Capricorn, meaning that this pope is incompatible with Jesus. Not my findings, the findings of science. Don't get angry with me, Catholics. Go get angry with Galileo. Oh, you already did.
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01/15/2010 12:00 AM
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| John Oliver: Taxation Without Representation
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Frankly, I could not f**king believe I was not allowed to vote. Three and a half years I've lived here! I work hard -- relatively speaking for someone who does this for a living. I pay my taxes. I try to fit in. I've learnt your rudimentary language. I don't know what more you could reasonably expect me to do. And that's when it hit me. I know why I'm so angry. I know what this is -- taxation without representation. Now I get it. Now I see why you got so pissy about it all those years ago. It is annoying. You were right. It is annoying and consider that as close to an apology as you are ever going to get.
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01/15/2010 12:00 AM
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| John Oliver: Falling in Love with America
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It was like falling in love with a girl who was just throwing up all over herself -- softly holding her hair back and whispering to her that everything was going to be alright. To me, that's what the last eight years were like, here in America: projectile vomiting all over yourself as the rest of the world rubbed your back, saying, 'Sssshhh, that's it. Let it all out.'
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10/19/2009 12:00 AM
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| Jeff Dunham: How Women Age
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Jeff Dunham: Walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: She's getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: She's aging like milk.
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04/01/2009 12:00 AM
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| April 1, 2009
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It is on this date every year that magician and self-proclaimed stuntman David Blaine does absolutely nothing interesting.
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